雅思强人请进,给我的小作文打个分,并给点建议!剑桥5test1小作文Inturnsoftheproportionofpopulationaged65andover,thisgraphshowstherateofoldpeopleinUSA,JapanandSwedenwell.IngeneralthetrendinUSA,Japanand|小学作文问答-字典翻译问答网

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雅思强人请进,给我的小作文打个分,并给点建议!剑桥5test1小作文Inturnsoftheproportionofpopulationaged65andover,thisgraphshowstherateofoldpeopleinUSA,JapanandSwedenwell.IngeneralthetrendinUSA,Japanand

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雅思强人请进,给我的小作文打个分,并给点建议!

剑桥5test1小作文

Inturnsoftheproportionofpopulationaged65andover,thisgraphshowstherateofoldpeopleinUSA,JapanandSwedenwell.IngeneralthetrendinUSA,JapanandSwedenisupwards.In1940therateofpeopleaged65andoverinUSAisnearly10%,followedbySwedenabout7%andJapan5%.ThentheJapan’slevelfelltoaround3%by1960andremainedsteadilyuntil2003.WhileatthesametimetheoldpeopleinUSAandSwedenbothincreased.Theproportionreachesat15%inUSAand14%inSwedenby1982.

Despitesomefluctuation,scientistspredictthattheproportionofpopulationaged65andoverwillsharplyincreaseinnexttwodecades.Japanwillexperienceadramaticincreasefrom2030to2033.Inonlythreeyears,therateofoldpeoplewillincreasefrom10%to25%.Afterhavingadeclinefrom2010to2030,thenumberofoldpeopleinUSAwillalsogoupandSwedenenjoysthesamegrowthrateasUSA.At204o,theproportionofpopulationaged65andoverisquitedifferentfromitwasin1940.Japanhasthehighestpercentageat27%,thenSwedenby25%andUSAatabout23%

蒋正言回答：

　　个人觉得如果9分的作文,小作文占3分的话,这篇应该在1.5左右　　我水平也不是很高,给你几个我的建议把　　1.一定分段写,我没有看到题目,但是我强烈建议文章一定要分段,这样看起来更有条理. 　　2.注意一些小的语法错误,例如第二行的thetrendinUSA,JapanandSwedenisupwards,trend是可数的,upwards最好当副词用,个人觉得做表语并不合适.小的语法错误往往带来很多的失分. 　　3.时态.Theproportionreachesat15%inUSAand14%inSwedenby1982.reaches显然应该为reached.看得出来这个图表牵涉到将来时态,你也注意了运用,但是还是遗漏了一些.倒数第二行At2040,theproportionofpopulationaged65andoverisquitedifferentfromitwasin1940,is应当改用willbe,Japanhas改为Japanwillhave,前面的Swedenenjoys改为Swedenwillenjoy 　　4.尝试用一些从句.你的文章中多为一些简单句型,从句可以为文章增分. 　　5.尝试一些替换词,oldpeople可以有很多替换词,你这里oldpeople出现的次数过于多了,稍显累赘.seniorcitizens,elderlypeople/individuals什么的　　6.也看得出来你学过并尝试运用了一些表示增长与下降的词,也注意了程度上的运用,这些值得赞扬. 　　就写这么多了,作文需要多练,多看别人写的文章积累经验,祝你雅思有一个好成绩