ItwasalovelydayattheparkandStellaBianchiwasenjoyingthesunshinewithhertwochildrenwhenayoungboy,agedaboutfour,approachedhertwo-year-oldsonandpushedhimtotheground.

“I’dwatchedhimforalittlewhileandmysonwasthefourthorfifthchildhe’dpushed,”shesays.“Iwentovertothem,pickedupmyson,turnedtotheboyandsaid,firmly,‘No,wedon’tpush.’”Whathappenednextwasunexpected.

“Theboy’smotherrantowardmefromacrossthepark,”Stellasays,“Ithoughtshewascomingovertoapologize,butinsteadshestartedshoutingatmeforblamingherchild.AllIdidwaslethimknowhisbehaviorwasunacceptable.WasIsupposedtositbackwhileherkiddidwhateverhewantedandhurtotherchildren?”

Gettingyourownchildrentoplayniceisdifficultenough.Dealingwithotherpeople’schildrenhasbecomeahiddendanger.

Inmyhouse,jumpingonthesofaisnotallowed.Inmysister’shouseit’sencouraged.Ifindmyselfsaying“no”alotwhenherkidsareoveratmine.That’sOKbetweensistersbutbecomesdangerouswhenyou’retalkingtothechildrenoffriendsoracquaintances.

“Kidsaren’tallraisedthesame,”agreesProfessorNaomiWhiteofMonashUniversity.”Butthereisstillanideathatthey’rethepropertyoftheparent.Weseeourchildrenasamirrorofourselves,soifyou’resayingthatmychildisbehavingimproperly,thenthat’ssomehowacriticism(批评)ofme.”

Inthosesituations,it’sdifficulttoknowwhethertoapproachthechilddirectlyortheparentfirst.Therearetwoopinions.

“I’dgotothechildfirst,”saysAndrewFuller,authorofTrickyKids.“Usuallyaquietreminderthat‘wedon’tdothathere’isenough.Kidshaveantennae(直觉)forhowtobehaveindifferentsettings.”

Hepointsoutbringingitupwiththeparentfirstmaymakethemfeelcareless,whichcouldcauseproblems.Ofcourse,approachingthechildfirstcanbringitsownheadaches,too.

ThisiswhyWhiterecommendsthatyouapproachtheparentsfirst.Raiseyourconcernswiththeparentsandaskthemtodealwithit,”shesays.

Askedhowtoapproachaparentinthissituation,psychologistMeredithFulleranswers:“Explainyourneedsaswellasstressingtheimportanceofthefriendship.Startwithsomethinglike:‘Iknowyou’llthinkI’msi