问题标题：
各位大侠帮我改下雅思作文吧!IdonotfullyagreewiththestatementthattheamountofviolenceinfilmsandonTVshouldbecontrolledbygovernmentinordertodecreasetheviolencecrimes,inotherwords,violenceinthesemediumisans
问题描述：
各位大侠帮我改下雅思作文吧!
IdonotfullyagreewiththestatementthattheamountofviolenceinfilmsandonTVshouldbecontrolledbygovernmentinordertodecreasetheviolencecrimes,inotherwords,violenceinthesemediumisansignificantcauseofinceasingcrimerate.
Certainly,violenceonscreendoeshaveinfluenceonindividuals,especiallyonchildren,whoareeasiertosimulateviolentbehaviourswhentheviolenceexposedtothem.asaresult,theymayplacewhattheyhavelearntontheirpeers,whichprobablyleadstoconflictsandevencrimes.
However,thefactis,mostfilmsarelabelledtoinformtheaudiencesofthelikelihoodofviolencecontents.Whentheyareshowedinthecinema,childrenareusuallynotadmittedintothescreeningroom.AsforviolenceprogrammesonTV,wecansimplypostponethemlateintheevening,whenchildrenhavealreadyslept.
潘贵敦回答：
写的还行啊,多用点linkingword吧,感觉用的有点少,缺少logical的感觉
李世厚回答：
還有最後一段。。。Onlyinthestatedoesmanhavearationalexistence.Thereasonwhyviolenceprogrammeshavenotbeendrovenawayisthat,notonlydotheyreflectsomeaspectsofourrealisticlife,watchingthemalso,tosomeextent,isagreatrelieftothosewhoareexcessivelystressful.Withoutthem,somepeoplemaycommittosuicideandoffence.
潘贵敦回答：
我觉得你还缺一段conclusion吧，这一段看着不算conclusion吧，完全就是在写另一方面了啊
李世厚回答：
确实还有一段来着。。。发不上来了。
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